1. Don't Panic: While you are floating there bleeding or being dragged and shaken savagely underwater take comfort in the fact that 90% of all those bitten by Sharks actually survive.
2. Keep Your Eye on the Shark: If your Daddy played catch with you when you were a child, you should have learned the basics of the "keep your eye on..." principle, or you would have taken many balls to your face...*obvious joke removed* If your Daddy never played catch with you when you were a child you probably have all sorts of other issues to deal with other than hypothetical Shark attack. Please visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
3. Learn to slow your heartbeat: Ninjas can slow their own heartbeats to slow down the progression of poisons or to play dead, you should be able to do it too.
4. Use whatever you can as a tourniquet: your exposed intestines make a perfect tourniquet.
5. Fight back: hopefully you have a spear, sword, knife, gun, or other weapon, if you don't you can always try to poke a Shark in the eye with the bloody stub of bone that used to be your arm.
6. Hug the Shark: If you hug the Shark, chances are that they won't be able to swing their mouth around to bite you. Hugging the Shark works best if you can also breathe under water. But maybe by hugging you and the Shark will come to a mutual understanding as all of Mother Nature's creatures share the love of the goddess...actually we're not too sure about this one because we got it off a lesbian Leprechaun website.
7. Get Out of the Water As Soon As Possible: This one may seem obvious, but keep in mind that every single Shark bite fatality did not follow this rule.
8. And if you simply must be bitten by a Shark: If at all possible try to be Larry Olson.

It is a little known fact that Shark bite survivor Larry Olson can breathe underwater

Bonus Tip
If you have to get bitten by a Shark and you are not Larry Olson, at least try to be Russian. Russian people can survive almost anything.

Seriously, Russians are basically invulnerable.

These slow news days are bleeding me dry!

--Sharky

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