Laugh it up, Long Islanders. The stars are right, and the Great Old Ones are coming for your pineal glands. Your souls? They already belong to another group of ancient evil ones...the GOP.

A nearly dead 26-foot Basking Shark rolled up out of the surf on Gilgo Beach, Long Island, Tuesday. It died before researchers from the Riverhead Foundation for Marine Research and Preservation arrived on the scene. They later cut up the corpse into research cubes and will mail them to all their friends. We are not trying to make fun of the death of this magnificent plankton-eating creature, but we think we know why it died. This dead Basking Shark is what is known as a Great Old One message. It means that soon, all the Guidos, Princesses, Hummer-owners, Roid Ragers, Hampton WASPS, shopaholics, Shark fishermen, trustafundians, and bulimic coke heads on "The Island" will soon be sleeping with the fishes.

Great Old Ones...G.O.P....Believe it.

--El Tiburon